


How Many Ways

by booyahkendell



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Christmastime, Comfort, Death Threats, Dimples, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Jealous!Rafi, Jealous!Sonny, Kissing, M/M, Rooftop Adventures, Sonny is the best bf, baby talk, first I love you's, will be more later as I add to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-08-07 11:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7713772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/booyahkendell/pseuds/booyahkendell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of various Barisi ficlets that I have written per tumblr user request!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified."

**Author's Note:**

> I've received several prompts from some tumblr users/anons requesting that I write Barisi drabbles. All of these are posted on my tumblr, but I figured I would go ahead and collect them all here as well. Enjoy! xx

_prompt #32 - "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified."_

“I think I’m in love with you and I’m terrified.”

Rafael looked up then, away from the photographs scattered haphazardly on the desk in front of him; the desk that was currently the only thing separating himself from Sonny as they worked.

His hands froze over the picture he had been about to examine, a mugshot of a man that had been paid to kill him in addition to Felipe Heredio, because apparently hiring one assassin wasn’t good enough for whoever wanted him dead.

In fact, all six of the photographs that laid in front of him were of various men that Sonny had persuaded Heredio to name over the course of the last month, all apparent co-conspirators in the plot to kill Rafael Barba.

They still didn’t know who had hired them.

None of the men had been arrested yet.

And Rafael was no closer to getting his life back, the life that had existed before the threat of dying had begun to loom over every single one of his conscious thoughts and actions.

And Sonny was still staring at him, and Rafael was still frozen, green eyes locked on Sonny’s blue, and he really should say something, but had Sonny really just said –

“I think I’m in love with you and that scares the living shit out of me.”

Rafael had it bad for Sonny. He’d had it bad for Sonny for a while now.

Sonny was beautiful, and Rafael didn’t mean that in the physical sense (though Sonny was, kind of, ridiculously pretty).

Sonny was kind.

Sonny was sweet.

Sonny was caring.

Sonny was the only member of the entire squad who checked up on him, who walked him back to his office after court because “I’m not chancing leaving you alone again, Barba”, who reminded him to eat, because Rafael tended to lose his appetite in high-stress situations.

Sonny was the only one who said, “I’m gonna keep you safe, counselor”.

Sonny was loving.

And apparently, he loved Rafael.

He was _“in love”_ with Rafael.

Rafael had never hoped, because there was no room for hope, not now, not when the possibility of his life ending was as common a consideration for him as was the way he decided to take his coffee every morning from the café directly below his apartment.

Sonny looked even more terrified than he had just moments earlier, when he’d uttered those words that Rafael was still having a hard time trying to process.

Probably because Rafael still hadn’t managed to say anything.

“W – what?”

Well, that was a start. Rafael figured that was probably all he could manage right now, anyway.

Sonny sighed and looked down at his lap.

He was fidgeting, and Rafael would’ve found that adorable if not for the fact that he was still trying very hard to regulate his breathing.

“C’mon Barba, don’t pretend like you don’t know.”

Sonny still wouldn’t look at him, his gaze fixed firmly on his hands clasped tightly together in his lap.

“I’m scared,” he said quietly. “I’m scared because someone wants to hurt you. I’m scared because someone wants you dead.”

“I’m scared because they’ve got seven men lined up who are willing to get that done. And that fucking _terrifies_ me, because I’m in love with you, and the thought of me not being able to keep you safe _kills me_ , Barba. It absolutely kills me.”

Sonny was shaking now, his blue eyes wide and wild as he finally brought his attention back to Rafael.

“I haven’t done enough,” he whispered. “I should’ve gotten Heredio to talk sooner, I should’ve – “.

“Sonny. _Shut. Up._ ”

Sonny looked wounded, and his eyes looked even glassier than they had before, but Rafael needed him to stop talking right this second because he was _so incredibly wrong_.

Before Rafael knew what he was doing, he was walking around the length of the table, cupping Sonny’s face in his hands and kissing him, hard.

Sonny gasped into his mouth, nervous fingers attempting to find purchase on Rafael’s waist.

Rafael only let the kiss linger for a few seconds before pulling back, Sonny’s face still framed tightly by his palms.

“Don’t you dare _ever_ say something like that again, Sonny. You’ve done everything that you could. You got Heredio to talk. You got these names.”

Rafael motioned to the mugshots still strewn about the desk before returning his hand to Sonny’s cheek.

“Tomorrow, once the warrants are sorted out, you’re going to arrest these men. And then we’ll get them to name names.”

Rafael let his knees hit the floor so that he could look directly into Sonny’s eyes.

“You’re not going to lose me. I promise you that. Not now that I know you feel the same way,” he finished.

Sonny looked overwhelmed.

His hands were still clutching at Rafael’s waist, as if he were afraid that Rafael was going to disappear; as if he were afraid that Rafael’s body was going to slip through his fingertips into thin air.

“You…you really feel the same way?” he asked quietly.

Rafael nodded. “I do. I have for a while now. But I’ve been too much of a coward to do anything about it.”

Sonny looked like he believed him. His expression was no longer one of fear; rather, he looked fierce.

_Protective_ , Rafael realized with a jolt.

Sonny’s hands came around to rest on his back then, long arms completely enveloping Rafael.

“Please let me come home with you,” he pleaded, fingers digging into Rafael’s shoulder blades. “ _Please_. It’ll make me feel better if I’m there with you.”

“You can come home with me,” Rafael answered. “And you can come home with me tomorrow night, too. And the night after that.”

He stroked Sonny’s cheek with his thumb before adding, “You make me feel safe.”

His hands went to the back of Sonny’s neck, and he pulled him forward until their lips met.

Rafael kissed Sonny, slow and deep, nestling himself in between Sonny’s thighs so that their bodies were flush against each other.

He let his lips move down to Sonny’s jaw where he pressed a trail of warm kisses before finally moving down to his neck.

Rafael let himself nuzzle there for a second, breathing the other man in, feeling Sonny’s heartbeat pounding underneath him, hands still planted firmly on Rafael’s back.

“Sonny.”

Rafael’s breath ghosted against Sonny’s skin. Sonny’s fingers began idly dragging across Rafael’s spine.

“I think I’m in love with you too.”

Rafael sucked a kiss to Sonny’s pulse point then, the light thrumming of his heart pulsing against Rafael’s lips.

Rafael didn’t think, though. He knew.

 


	2. "hey, have you seen the...? oh."

_prompt #46 - "hey, have you seen the...? oh."_

Sonny was so dead.

Sonny was dead, gone, buried, erased off of the face of the Earth, never to be seen or heard from again.

Sonny knew he shouldn’t have taken it off.

But he hadn’t wanted to ruin it, it was his most valuable possession; the stupid thing meant more to him than anything else in the world, and who knows what twenty minutes underneath scalding water would’ve done to it.

All he’d wanted to do was wash dishes.

Sonny crouched down and peered underneath the dresser, poking his fingers into the crack where the dresser and the floor didn’t quite meet.

He wriggled his hand around, fingers tracing the hardwood floor, blindly grasping for the missing object.

Just as his hand had finally begun to go numb and he’d managed to stick almost the entire length of his arm underneath the dresser, – one perk of being thin, he supposed – he heard the soft padding of feet coming towards him from across the bedroom.

Crap.

Sonny was so dead.

Sonny was so dead, and he still hadn’t found the stupid thing, and Rafael was behind him now, and how was he supposed to explain that he’d lost it only two days after receiving it?

Sonny sighed and turned his head to face Rafael, who was standing directly in front of their bed, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, _and did he look amused?_

Probably at the sight of Sonny sprawled halfway underneath a large piece of furniture.

He figured he should explain himself.

Maybe if Sonny appeared contrite and sweet, widened his eyes a little bit so that his baby blues were on full display, threw in a sad pout, Rafael would take pity on him and actually help him find the damn thing.

Sonny knew Rafael couldn’t stay mad at him for long when he pouted.

He put on his best Sonny Carisi smile, dimples puckering his cheeks, before saying, “Hey, Rafi! Have you seen the – _Oh_.”

Rafael’s right arm was no longer crossed over his chest; instead, it was raised in front of him, Sonny’s engagement ring between his index and middle finger.

Sonny quickly removed his arm from beneath the dresser (but not before his elbow knocked into it on the way out, to which Rafael laughed, because he was a jerk), and stood up, warily eyeing the offending piece of jewelry.

“Where did you find it?” Sonny asked. “I’ve been looking for that thing for like, forty-five minutes now.”

Rafael stepped closer, twirling the ring around in his fingers as he spoke.

“You left it on the coffee table,” he stated simply.

Sonny gaped.

“Not uh,” he said, glancing over at the large bureau. “I was so sure that I left it over there.”

“Well, you didn’t,” Rafael said, chuckling.

He took Sonny’s left hand in his own then, slipping the silver band onto Sonny’s ring finger.

It was simple. No jewels, no embellishments, just a simple, shining, silver band.

Sonny loved it.

Sonny especially loved admiring the ring, like he was doing right now, because somehow staring at it made the fact that Rafael had asked Sonny to marry him more real.

Rafael took Sonny’s hand in both of his and lifted Sonny’s fingers to his lips, pressing a light but tender kiss to the band.

Most of all, Sonny loved the man who had given him that ring.

Rafael lowered Sonny’s hand but didn’t relinquish the tight grip that he had on his fingers.

“Don’t take it off again. Ever.”

Sonny grinned at Rafael’s demand, but he knew from the way that Rafael’s thumb was protectively encircling the ring that there was more weight behind those words than he would admit aloud.

Sonny removed his hand from Rafael’s grasp and let his palms rest on either side of Rafael’s waist. Sonny looked into his eyes and smiled.

“I was just trying to wash some dishes,” he said quietly. “Don’t worry, Rafi, I’m not trying to get rid of you. You’re mine now. Forever.”

Rafael hummed, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as his arms enveloped Sonny.

“Well,” he began. “I’ll be on dishwashing duty from now on. I suppose that I need to practice my house-husband skills at some point.”

And with that, Rafael cupped Sonny’s face in his large hands and pressed a long, affectionate kiss to his forehead before turning and retreating back out to the living room.

Sonny just stood there, frozen, fingers curling over his ring.

Husband.

_Wow_.

Sonny didn’t think he’d ever get used to that.


	3. "kiss me, quick!"

_prompt #71 - "kiss me, quick!"_

Sonny pushed the door to the bathroom open and stepped readily back into the pulsing atmosphere of the bar.

He weaved his way through the throng of people crowded in the center of the bar, finally pushing past enough drunk twenty-somethings to be able to reach the corner booth where Rafael was sitting, waiting for him.

Sonny smiled at his boyfriend, except Rafael had a mischievous look on his face, and _what was that about?_

Sonny approached the table, and before his ass had even hit the seat, Rafael was leaning up, pressing a soft kiss to Sonny’s lips.

“Hey,” Sonny chuckled, wrapping an arm around Rafael’s shoulders and squeezing. “Did you really miss me that much? I was only gone for like ten minutes.”

Rafael shrugged, idle fingers tracing the edge of his glass.

“Well, I’ll have you know Sonny that some creep decided to hit on me while you were in the bathroom. He’s over at the bar now,” Rafael answered casually, gesturing away from their table.

“Wait, what?!” Sonny exclaimed, head snapping immediately to his right, which made Rafael smirk, which made Sonny blush.

He ignored the satisfaction that Rafael was clearly getting from seeing him all riled up (okay, jealous, he was jealous), and instead focused on the tall man currently leaning against the bar counter, conversing with a young waitress.

He was attractive, Sonny had to begrudgingly admit. He was thin but built, lean muscles visible through the tight fabric of the navy sweater that he was wearing.

He had dark hair, hair as dark as Rafael’s, and the faintest hint of stubble peppered his cheeks and jaw.

“He’s actually getting me a drink right now,” Rafael interjected.

Sonny turned to Rafael, a full-on pout on his lips now.

“I thought you said he was a creep?”

“He is.” Rafael barely managed to hide his smug grin behind his sip of scotch. “But, I never turn down a free drink, Sonny.”

Sonny glanced back to the man, and he really wanted to knock this guy’s teeth in, because he was making his way towards their table, and just who did he think he was, hitting on Sonny’s Rafael –

“Kiss me, quick! Before he comes back over here!”

Sonny turned, waggled an eyebrow at Rafael, and smirked. “Happy to oblige, counselor.”

Rafael’s hand went immediately to the back of Sonny’s neck, pulling him forward until their lips met.

Sonny’s mouth fell open all-too eagerly, because this guy needed to see that Rafael was unequivocally _his_ , and Rafael seemed to agree, because he took the invitation readily, sliding his tongue in between Sonny’s lips, kissing him slow, and deep, and dirty.

Sonny dug his fingers into Rafael’s sides, pulling, clutching at him desperately; he’d worked too damn hard to let anyone think that they stood a chance in hell of coming between him and Rafael.

Rafael started to pull away, but not before taking Sonny’s bottom lip in between his teeth and tugging.

If Sonny weren’t so far gone, he might actually have enough sense about him to be embarrassed that he moaned, actually moaned, in public.

Instead he whispered, breath hot against Rafael’s mouth, “Hey, Rafi, if you really wanna put a show on for this guy, you could let me ride you.” Sonny rolled his hips against Rafael’s for extra emphasis and to demonstrate just how good of an idea he thought that was.

Rafael just chuckled and pecked sweetly at Sonny’s swollen lips once, twice, three times before his forehead against Sonny’s.

“Not on your life. But,” Rafael murmured, kissing Sonny’s cheek, words ghosting across his skin. “When we get home? Absolutely.”

“Am – am I interrupting something?”

Sonny turned at the sound and saw the man from the bar – _correction_ , the man who had been hitting on his boyfriend – standing directly in front of their booth.

“Oh, Adam, there you are!” Rafael greeted cheerfully. “This is my boyfriend, Sonny.”

Sonny felt Rafael’s arm wrap around his shoulder and pull until his back was flush against Rafael’s chest.

Sonny smiled saccharinely at the man and made sure to maintain eye contact with him as he nuzzled his nose into Rafael’s neck, pressing a kiss just below his jaw.

The man – Adam – shifted uncomfortably for a few moments before setting a glass of scotch down on the table.

“Uh, here’s your drink, Rafael. I’m just – I’m just gonna go now.”

He turned, darted, and Rafael shouted, “Thanks for the drink!” after the man’s retreating form.

Sonny didn’t bother moving from where he was nestled against Rafael, pressing kiss after small kiss to his warm skin.

“I don’t like it when people hit on you, Rafi,” Sonny said into his neck. “Might make you realize that you could do better than me.”

Rafael pushed urgently on Sonny’s shoulder until he was sitting all the way up, shifted so that he was gazing directly into Rafael’s eyes.

“Sonny,” he started quietly, wrapping his long fingers around Sonny’s waist as he pulled Sonny closer. “First of all, that’s the first guy that’s hit on me in the past year that we’ve been dating, so you don’t need to be jealous.”

Sonny rolled his eyes and scoffed, but Rafael continued.

“Second of all, when are you finally going to realize that you’re the absolute best that I can do?”

Sonny had never seen Rafael look so soft before.

“You really mean that, huh?” he asked, brushing one of Rafael’s hairs that had managed to fall loose and adorably over his forehead during their make-out session back into place.

Rafael just nodded, somehow pulling Sonny even closer to him.

“I love you, Sonny.”

Sonny’s jaw fell open so wide that he swore it had to have hit the floor.

Rafael hadn’t said those words to him before.

Rafael’s fingers were caressing Sonny’s hip bones, tenderly – _lovingly_ , Sonny realized.

When Sonny still hadn’t managed to form a coherent reply, Rafael continued.

“And I don’t want you to ever think that I feel anything less than love for you. You’re the best, Sonny. You. You’re everything I could’ve ever wanted and everything that I never knew I needed all wrapped up in one, beautiful, amazing, man.”

Sonny stared. He didn’t think he could’ve managed to speak even if he’d tried.

Sonny just burrowed his head into Rafael’s chest and pressed a kiss to the fabric of his button-up, directly over his heart.

“I love you too, Rafi. You’re mine, too.”

Sonny could feel Rafael’s heart pounding underneath his cheek.

“I know.”

They sat like that for a while, Sonny’s face still buried deep in Rafael’s chest, Rafael’s arms possessively encircling Sonny’s entire body.

“Jeez, if I’d known that all it took was someone hitting on you for you to tell me that you love me, I would’ve gotten Fin to hit on you about five months ago.”

Rafael’s laughter against his chest made Sonny feel warm all over.


	4. "have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?"

 

_prompt #40 - "have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?"_

 

"You have an ass sculpted by the Greek gods, Rafi."

Rafael couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped his lips as he hit Sonny in the face with a pillow.

Sonny's laughter shook the entire bed and filled up Rafael's chest.

Sonny reached up, pulled the pillow off from where it was still resting on his head, and raised an eyebrow at a still-grinning Rafael.

"Have I entered an alternate universe or did you really just crack a smile for me?"

Sonny's words were playful, but Rafael still tackled him all the same.

He landed roughly in between Sonny's thighs and began nipping at the sensitive skin on Sonny's bare chest.

Rafael felt Sonny's strong thighs tighten around his waist as he giggled at the sensation of Rafael's teeth just barely scraping against him.

Sonny's hands were sliding down his waist, sliding down his hips, sliding down until his palms were cupping Rafael's ass, squeezing, copping a feel, because of course he was.

Rafael let his forehead fall down to rest on Sonny's chest, laughter ghosting hot across his boyfriend's pale skin.

"You're ridiculous," he breathed.

Sonny hummed.

"What can I say," he began, fingers trailing lightly back up Rafael's body, tracing the curve of his spine. "Your ass is my favorite attribute of yours."

Rafael pushed himself up to his elbows and shook his head at Sonny, finally catching the gleam of mirth that filled his blue eyes.

"How shallow of you, Sonny," he said playfully. "I would've expected you to say something more romantic, like my hands or my eyes."

Sonny shrugged, a smirk forming on his pretty, pink lips.

"I'm an ass kinda guy, Rafi," he answered matter-of-factly. "And yours? On a scale of one-to-ten? Yours breaks the scale."

Rafael reached down than and pinched the inside of Sonny's thigh, hard.

"Ow, what was that for? I just said that your ass breaks my scale," Sonny said, indignant and pouting, which really wasn't fair.

Rafael brushed off the adorableness that was Sonny's face and said, "We've been talking about my ass now for the last ten minutes. And frankly, it's weird."

Sonny scowled, which made his pout even more pronounced, which made Rafael lean forward and place a soft kiss on that pout in the hopes of wiping it away.

His efforts were quickly rewarded as he pulled back to see that the pout had been replaced by a small, but affectionate smile.

"Fine, we won't talk about you than," Sonny relented, fingers still tracing restlessly across the planes of Rafael's back. "We'll talk about me, instead. What do you love most about me, physically?"

Sonny's grin became mischievous as Rafael considered the question.

Truth be told, he didn't think he could ever get enough when it came to Sonny's body.

He was ridiculously lean, all wiry muscles and sharp angles that Rafael loved to discover and explore.

He didn't look it, but Sonny was strong where it counted, and Rafael loved to grip at the solid muscles of his shoulders and thighs when Sonny was on top of him.

And he was so long. Every part of him was long, his neck, his torso, his legs; there was so much of him for Rafael to touch, to kiss, to make his own.

But if he was being honest, that wasn't Rafael's favorite trait of Sonny's, at least not physically.

"Your dimples," he stated simply.

Sonny looked utterly dumbfounded.

"Why?" he asked, eyebrows furrowing in unequivocal confusion.

"Because your dimples mean that you're happy," Rafael answered. "And that's all that I could ever want for you. To be happy."

Rafael didn't mention the fact that he also loved Sonny's dimples because they always seemed to reveal themselves the most when he and Sonny were together.

Going by the look on Sonny's face, he had guessed as much.

Sonny smiled then, widely, and a-hah, there were those dimples that filled Rafael's chest with a warmth he'd never known existed until he'd fallen in love with Sonny.

Rafael loved those dimples and what they meant.

They meant that Sonny loved Rafael, that Rafael made Sonny happy, and Rafael never would've guessed that so much bliss could rest in a pair of dimples.

Sonny flipped Rafael over so that he was the one lying on his back now, still smiling as he took Rafael's lips in his own.

Rafael reached up with both hands and let his thumbs brush tenderly over Sonny's dimples as Sonny kissed him, deeply, his tongue poking out to slip between Rafael's lips.

Sonny never stopped smiling at they kissed; Rafael knew, because the entire time his thumbs were resting in the spot where Sonny's cheeks dipped in.

Sonny pulled back, just barely, nose still brushing against Rafael's as he pecked aimlessly at Rafael's lips.

Rafael's eyelids fluttered closed as he felt Sonny take his bottom lip into his mouth, sucking momentarily.

Sonny released Rafael's lip and from there, let his mouth trail lightly across Rafael's jaw, across his cheek, lips finally resting on Rafael's forehead.

Rafael's nose was pressed into Sonny's neck now, and he could no longer see the dimples, but he knew they were there because he could feel Sonny's never-wavering smile against him.

"I lied earlier, you know."

Sonny's voice barely reached a whisper as he spoke, words warm against Rafael's skin.

Rafael let his fingertips drag up and down Sonny's sides, signaling to the man above him that he was listening.

"Your ass isn't my favorite. Your eyes are. Because I can always tell just how much you love me through your eyes."

Rafael couldn't argue with that; instead, he hummed in agreement, the sound vibrating against Sonny's throat.

Sonny chuckled. "I gotta say Rafi, going by your eyes, you love me an awful lot. Just saying."

Rafael pulled Sonny down by the neck until they were face to face, index finger reaching forward to outline a dimple.

"Well, going by your dimples, I think we're on the same page, than."


	5. "wait a minute. are you jealous?"

_prompt #5 - “wait a minute. are you jealous?”_

Rafael didn’t think there was a greater sight in this world than Sonny playing with children.

It was as if he were born to take on the role of being a dad – he was naturally playful, his hands gentler than their size should allow, his face a symphony of expressions as he read from the book placed in his lap.

Noah was pressed against his chest, eyes and lips wide in delight, Sonny’s chin resting lightly atop the toddler’s head as he continued his rendition of _The Three Little Pigs_.

“And I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!” Sonny exclaimed, voice low and rough in what Rafael could only guess was his patented Big Bad Wolf impression.

Noah shrieked and bounced up and down in Sonny’s lap, little fingers reaching eagerly forward to turn the book’s page.

Just as Sonny was about to dazzle Noah with his very best Little Pig, Olivia came around the edge of the couch, crouching down next to Sonny and Noah where they sat on the living room floor.

“Hey, big guy!” she greeted, arms opening wide, an offer for Noah to take.

In true toddler fashion he refused and wrapped himself around Sonny, arms interlocking tightly around Sonny’s neck.

“I wanna stay with Uncle Sonny and read!” he proclaimed.

Rafael barely managed to suppress his laughter as Sonny yelped and attempted to disentangle himself from the toddler who was now strangling him.

“No way, it’s way past your bedtime birthday boy,” Olivia stated in a way that let even a whining and grumpy five-year-old know that there was no disagreeing.

Sonny managed to finally hand Noah off to his mother, saying, “Hey, don’t worry little man! You’re gonna come spend the night with me and Uncle Rafi next weekend, remember?”

Rafael sure hadn’t forgotten.

How he’d gotten wrangled into agreeing to watch the child for an entire weekend, he still didn’t know.

Sonny’s dimples were probably involved. He had a hard time saying ‘no’ to them.

Noah nodded eagerly and finally relaxed into Olivia’s arms wrapped around him.

“Alright, little man, I’ll see you then, okay?” Noah giggled as Sonny leaned forward and pressed a raspberry to his cheek.

The view before him made Rafael’s chest instantly tighten; it wasn’t the tightening he normally experienced though, whenever Sonny did something particularly adorable, or sweet, or whenever he told Rafael that he loved him.

Yeah. They’d been together a total of three years now, married for almost one, and Rafael still felt warmth seep into his bones any time Sonny spoke those three little words.

No, this tightening felt like a sharp knife cutting through his chest, tearing into the muscles and tendons below his thin layer of flesh.

 _Jealousy_. The realization jolted through him like a double shot of espresso.

Jealous.

Rafael was _jealous_.

He was jealous of the domesticity, the sense of purpose and fierce protectiveness that came with raising a child.

He wanted a child to cling to him the way that Noah clung to Olivia, who looked at him with adoring eyes and knew, without an inkling of doubt, that he was their protector.

He wanted that.

He wanted that with Sonny. A family.

Rafael looked up and met his husband’s gaze, curiosity burning bright in Sonny’s blue irises as he furrowed his eyebrows quizzically.

Olivia had disappeared down the hall with Noah in tow, presumably in the direction of his bedroom, leaving Sonny and Rafael alone in the living room still crowded with half-opened birthday presents.

He immediately knew that he had zoned out going by the way Sonny said, “Hey, Rafi, are you ready to head home? Liv and Ed gotta get Noah to bed.”

He wondered how long he had been sitting there, daydreaming of having a child with his husband.

Going by his facial expression, long enough for Sonny to get weirded out by his demeanor, apparently.

Sometimes Rafael swore that Sonny could read his mind; he had always taken pride in being rather selective when it came to what emotions he allowed to slip past his brash exterior, and when and where those emotions came through.

Sonny had always been able to see right through him, though.

Just like he was doing now.

Still looking adorably confused, Sonny took a seat next to him on the couch, pressing his side flush against him and winding a skinny arm around his shoulder to pull him closer.

“What’s on your mind, Rafi?” he asked, quietly, and Rafael took a moment to drink in the sight of the man next to him before answering.

Sonny was so beautiful.

Pink lips, sparkling eyes that seemed to have been carved from the sky itself, rosy cheeks with their perpetual blush that Rafael wanted to press his lips to endlessly.

Sonny was beautiful outside and in, with his unnerving earnestness and his belief that others were inherently good, no matter how many times he was proven wrong by the job.

He would make a great dad.

The answer was so simple. He couldn’t believe that he’d ever wanted anything else.

“I want that.”

His words shattered the silence that had fallen between them.

Sonny still look puzzled, so Rafael decided to elaborate.

“I want that. That whole ‘family thing’,” he began, gesturing down the hallway in the general direction that Olivia and Noah had disappeared. “It’s not fair that I don’t have that.”

He crossed his arms over his chest, content to let Sonny piece together what _‘that’_ meant by himself.

Brows furrowed in concentration, he leaned forward. “Could you define ‘that’ for me, counselor?” Sonny asked cheekily.

“That. Family.” Rafael still didn’t care to elaborate for his husband; he wanted to see Sonny’s eyes light up when he dissected the meaning of his euphemism on his own.

“Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Are you jealous?” Sonny’s eyes were wide now, the gears turning in his head almost visible behind his pupils. “Are you jealous because…Liv has a kid? And we don’t?”

Rafael almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that notion sounded when spoken aloud. But well, Sonny was right.

“I wouldn’t say jealous,” was his muttered deflection instead.

“But Rafi, I just…I don’t understand…”. Sonny’s words were whispered now, and he was leaning back as if to get a full glimpse of Rafael, to make sure he wasn’t ill, because Rafael _surely_ wouldn’t ever voice a thought like that otherwise.

Rafael turned away from Sonny’s gaze with a sigh.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m like, crazy happy right now,” Sonny added hurriedly. He grabbed Rafael’s hand and squeezed. “I’m just kinda confused ‘cause you never expressed much of an interest in having kids before now. Well, before like, five seconds ago.”

Sonny angled Rafael’s chin back towards him with a lightly placed index finger. Rafael allowed himself to melt into the touch momentarily, letting Sonny’s gentle fingers ground him back to the threadbare couch beneath him.

He grabbed his husband’s hand and interlocked their fingers, deciding to concentrate on Sonny’s gold wedding band rather than on the man himself.

“Before this,” he said, gesturing between them. “I never thought that this sort of thing was possible. I never thought I’d ever even get married.”

A bitter laugh escaped from his throat; Sonny’s wedding ring between his fingers was an anchor as he forged ahead.

“But then I see you play with Noah, and I realize how much I want that. I’ve always been afraid that I’d…that I’d end up like my father because of…”. He took a shaky breath and Sonny’s hand gripped tighter around his. “But I know now that even if I am the worst dad in the world and I end up screwing everything up, I’ll at least have you there to pick up the pieces.”

He dared to look up. Sonny was smiling softly at him, shaking his head as though he were a dense child who couldn’t comprehend why eating glue was harmful to the human body.

“Rafi, you’re gonna make the best dad.”

Rafael’s heart swelled at Sonny’s use of the present tense.

“And you know why you’re gonna make the best dad?” Sonny’s smile was wide now, wider than Rafael had ever seen it, his dimples sunk deeply into his cheeks.

“’Cause you’re gonna teach our kid Spanish and they’re gonna be bilingual by the time they’re like, four. And you’re gonna dress him or her up in clothes from like, Paris or Milan, and they’ll be the most fashionable kid on the playground at school. And you’re gonna make sure that they always read, and that they love to learn just as much as you do. And you’re gonna sing lullabies to them when they have nightmares and can’t go back to sleep no matter how many times we check under the bed. And you’re gonna love them. You’re gonna love them so much.”

Rafael didn’t think anyone had ever loved someone more than he loved Sonny in that moment.

There was so much honesty in Sonny’s eyes that it almost scared Rafael; Sonny had never doubted him, Sonny believed in him more than he believed in himself, and that realization felt like coming up for air after too long under water.

Sonny elbowed him with the arm that he wasn’t still holding onto. “’sides, you’ll have me around to be the fun dad. I’ll be the one who lets them eat ice cream for dinner every once in a while, and stay up way past their bedtime watching horror movies. We’ll balance each other out perfectly,” he teased.

Rafael chuckled and let out a breath that it felt like he’d been holding for the past six hours.

“I love you so much,” he said, eyes falling back to Sonny’s ring, the constant reminder of what he had and everything that was to come. “You’re too good to me.”

He didn’t even need to see Sonny’s scowl to know that it was there; the sharp pinch he received on his palm in return was confirmation enough.

“I told you to quit saying shit like that, Rafi,” Sonny grumbled. He ducked his head, kissed the hand that was still intertwined with his. “All of those arguments got negated a year ago when I married you, remember?”

Rafael felt Sonny’s glare on him like a spotlight.

Of course he remembered.

The day he married Sonny was the best day of his life. The realization as he’d slipped the ring onto Sonny’s finger, that Sonny was his forever, that Sonny would never make him feel anything less than loved, that Sonny would never make him feel that he was _undeserving_ of love, that Sonny would never leave him, made him feel lighter than he remembered being in his entire life.

And now he was going to start a family with Sonny.

“What if we start looking into adoption agencies tomorrow?” he asked, the courage he needed to face the unavoidable fear head-on finally settling deep within him.

Sonny beamed. “I can’t believe that we’re gonna have a kid,” he whispered in awe. He looked adorable and boyish as his eyes spread wide and he squeezed Rafael tighter into his chest.

He pulled back just far enough to look at Rafael, love and pure happiness seeming to radiate off of every plane of his face.

“We’re gonna be the best dads that any kid has ever had, ever.” Sonny leaned forward and met his lips, smiling into the kiss, smile shooting fire into Rafael’s veins and running straight through to his heart all the way down to his toes.

Just as Sonny pulled away, Olivia walked warily back into the living room, eyebrows shooting up to her hairline when she saw the two still tangled together on her couch.

“Really? You guys still haven’t left yet?” she whined, exasperation running rampant through her words. “I love you both dearly, but I’m exhausted and really just need a glass of wine. I’ve dealt with eighteen five-year-old’s for the past six hours. Leave. Please.”

She made her way around to the front of the couch, Sonny and Rafael’s coats already in hand.

The two hurriedly unwound their limbs from around each other and grabbed their coats from Olivia’s outstretched hands.

“Sorry about that, lieu,” Sonny offered apologetically. He threw the jacket around his shoulders and onto an arm. “We got distracted, started talking about some things.” His fingers made quick work of the buttons of his coat before he turned to glance at Rafael. Rafael gave a slight nod, silent prodding for Sonny to continue.

“And, well – me and Rafi are gonna adopt a baby! We’re gonna have a family!” and God, Rafael loved Olivia Benson and her non-reaction to his nickname.

Instead, Olivia beamed, looking between the two. “Wow! Congratulations!” Her eyes were soft as she said, “I’m happy for you two.” Rafael noticed though, that she was looking directly at him when she said the latter.

Olivia was a good friend.

Rafael turned his head to look at Sonny, blue eyes so very bright, excitement practically rolling off of him in waves as he started blathering on about names, and nursery colors, and would they get a boy or a girl, and was organic, farmer’s market baby food really better than the supermarket stuff?

Rafael loved him so much.

And now they were going to start a family.

Together.

They were going to raise a child.

Together.

Rafael’s life with Sonny was even better than he’d ever imagined it could be.


	6. "no one needs to know."

_prompt #47 - “no one needs to know.”_

Sonny Carisi was actually surprisingly pleasant company when he had a few glasses of eggnog running through him.

This was the first year that Rafael had decided to indulge Olivia and agree to come to the annual Special Victims Unit Christmas party. And so far, - though the eggnog coursing through his veins probably had a lot to do with it - he was actually having a decent time.

  
It was especially odd considering that the majority of his 'decent time' had been spent off in a corner of the precinct, drinking, and talking with, and smelling Sonny Carisi.   
  
Rafael couldn't help but admire how lovely the younger man smelled, his aftershave sharp against Rafael's nose, because Sonny had a pesky habit of constantly invading other people's personal space while talking, even more so when slightly inebriated, it seemed.   
  
He tried not to dwell on the fact that the expensive scent of aftershave lingering on the man's neck wasn't the only thing that he was admiring in the dimmed lighting of the precinct.  
  
His eyes were also lazily raking over Sonny's legs, his ridiculously long legs, and his ass in the tight fit of the slate gray slacks he was wearing.   
  
His gaze then came to rest on Sonny's midsection, the sleeves of his knit sweater rolled up just past his elbows, showing off the lean cut of his forearms as he threw them around wildly, entertaining Rafael with a story of one of many failed Carisi family summer vacations.   
  
He wasn't entirely superficial though.   
  
He was also admiring Sonny's overbearing laughter that became even more so boisterous and hearty when he'd gotten a few in him, the vibrations of it echoing deep into Rafael's chest.   
  
He admired the twinkle in Sonny's blue eyes that seemed reserved only for the special occasions when he spoke of the family that was stitched into the very fabric of his being, who's presence in his life was worn around his shoulders like a winter coat.   
  
Almost everything about Sonny intrigued him to no end, and that frightened him a little.   
  
It might force him to do something incredibly stupid, like grab Sonny's face and kiss him.  
  
"Hey, counselor, you wanna get out of here, maybe go someplace that reminds you a little less of work?" Sonny's words cut across his thoughts like a knife. "You've been staring at me for like, ten minutes now. If I was boring you that much you could've just told me to shut up."  
  
Sonny's grin had been replaced by a much smaller one and Rafael immediately zeroed in on the fact that - adorably - Sonny was feeling self-conscious.  
  
He wanted to be interesting for Rafael.   
  
He wanted to entertain Rafael, he wanted to be attentive and was actively going above and beyond the call of duty when it came to making sure that Rafael was enjoying himself.  
  
It was all incredibly endearing.   
  
Rafael dared.  
  
"Actually, this is the best night out that I've had in a really long time." He moved to lay a hand on top of where Sonny's was perched, supporting his minimal weight as he leaned against a fold-out table stacked high with finger food.   
  
Sonny's eyes immediately widened at the contact.   
  
Rafael drew his fingertips back across the top of Sonny's hand, one by one, letting each skim lightly over his skin. "But, I'll go somewhere with you if you want. You don't think anyone will miss us?"  
  
Sonny glanced around at the myriad of officers mingling about the room, heads thrown back in drunken laughter, eyes fixed unwavering on their drinks, on the festive red and green decorations scattered across the walls, on each other. He shook his head eagerly. "Nah. No one has to know."  
  
Rafael smirked and pulled the detective's hand back into his embarrassingly eager grasp. "Well, lead the way Sonny."  
  
They set off, Sonny practically dragging him towards the squad room door as he struggled to keep up with the taller man's long and quick strides.   
  
Once outside the squad room, the buzz of conversation now a dull drone behind them, Sonny pulled Rafael in the direction of the elevator, yanking his arm roughly in his excitement.   
  
"Calm down, detective. I'd like to keep my shoulder in its socket, if at all possible." Sonny blushed, jamming his index finger into the elevator call button an unnecessary number of times. "Sorry," he said, avoiding Rafael's gaze. "I'm just a little nervous is all."  
  
Rafael just chuckled, squeezing Sonny's hand tighter in his as they stepped through the opening elevator doors.  
  
There was no way in hell he was letting that little slip-up go unnoticed.   
  
"Do I make you nervous, detective?" he asked coolly, his thumb rubbing small, teasing slow circles against Sonny's palm.   
  
He could tell that Sonny was trying to play it cool, trying not to squirm underneath Rafael's firm touch, trying not to let anything else incriminating slip past his lips.   
  
"Yeah, a little," Sonny admitted, careful to keep his stare locked above Rafael's head, a benefit of his added height. He shrugged, then added, "I mean, you're you."  
  
Thankfully, Rafael didn't have time to contemplate exactly what the hell 'you're you' meant; the elevator had jolted to an abrupt stop on the uppermost level of the precinct.   
  
Sonny was darting through the door with Rafael still firmly attached to his side before he'd even gotten a chance to register where it was they were.   
  
This level was bare, and rather small, all tiled floor and fading gray walls, a single spiraling staircase leading up to a square hatch that Rafael could only assume led to the building's roof.   
  
He turned to Sonny, an unspoken question ghosting across his lips as the other man hurriedly protested. "It'll be fun. Trust me." He then, quite unfairly, bit his lip, the same sliver of self-doubt that Rafael had observed earlier under the warm glow of the precinct creeping back into his features.  
  
It made him look impossibly young, like a wide-eyed high school freshman on his first date, too afraid to even ask to hold hands.  
  
He clambered over to the stairs then, grabbing on to either side of the metal railing, and began the ascent, Rafael following closely behind.   
  
Once they'd reached the top, Sonny unbolted the hatch and shoved against the piece of metal, the door falling open with a deafening 'clang' as it came to rest against the roof.   
  
Sonny twisted to face him, a shy smile and hand offered as he said, "Come on, counselor."  
  
He retook Sonny's hand and they cleared the remainder of the steps together, finally climbing out into the cool night air.   
  
He didn't let go of Sonny's hand as they began to journey across the roof.  
  
It was dark, nothing but the stars and dim lights of nearby buildings left to illuminate their bodies as they pressed closer together for warmth.  
  
It was if their sides were magnetized, Rafael thought; the farther they walked, the less space remained between them for sharp blasts of cold wind to push their way through.   
  
It was quiet, the constant din of New York City traffic laying far below their feet. The only sound Rafael heard was Sonny's breathing beside him and his own heart pounding all the way up in his ears.  
  
Sonny stopped abruptly, his firm grip around Rafael's fingers the only thing that kept him from venturing on his path. 

When he turned around, Sonny was stopped dead in his tracks, head tossed back, eyes peering up at the night sky. "It's so beautiful up here at this time," he said quietly, gaze still fixed upward, the moon's glow illuminating his sweet grin. "You can actually kinda see the stars when you're up here."  
  
Rafael walked over to him and looked up, too. Sonny was right; it was beautiful.   
  
Without the bright lights of the City to dim their natural radiance, it felt as if each of the stars had taken their individual light and, combined, had chosen to throw their glow onto them, serving only to burn for them and no one else.  
  
He was pulled back down by Sonny shivering violently against him. Because _of course_ he'd left his jacket downstairs.  
  
Rafael shook his head, a chuckle escaping his lips as Sonny smiled sheepishly down at him. "S - sorry," he stammered out, skinny arms crisscrossed over his chest, an unsuccessful attempt to burrow farther into himself for warmth.   
  
His sweater was thinner than Rafael had originally perceived, the navy knit clinging to the sharp edges of his narrow waist a faulty shield against the crisp tendrils of wind that licked at their skin.   
  
"Here, you can wear mine," Rafael stated firmly, already peeling off the black pea coat that hung around his shoulders.  
  
"W - what? No, counselor, I can't t - take your jacket, it's too - ".   
  
"Yes, you can." Rafael cut him off before he could protest any further, wrapping the coat around his shoulders and enveloping Sonny in the thick fabric. "You're shivering. You're far too skinny to be out in this kind of weather without a jacket on. Besides, I'd rather not explain to your boss how you froze to death on my watch. Oh, and quit calling me counselor."  
  
Sonny slid his arms hesitantly into the jacket, still looking as though he wanted to object. The fit was adorably off on him; he was too thin and lanky, the exact opposite of Rafael's own build.   
  
His shoulders were broad, but not quite as built as Rafael's, causing the edges of the jacket to hang loosely around him. The arms of the coat, however, rested far above his wrists, the rest of his long arms draped loosely in the heavy material.   
  
Rafael didn't hear any protesting, though, as Sonny nuzzled his nose into the jacket's collar. He knew, as soon as he saw Sonny breathe in once, deeply, that he was trying to smell Rafael, trying to smell the trace of aftershave that he'd left behind on the inside of the coat.   
  
His heart twisted at the thought that Sonny was trying to get closer to him, in some way, even if it was through the scent that he'd left on his jacket. 

Sonny was blushing now though, because Rafael was staring, cheeks burning a fiery red that had nothing to do with the blasts of icy air still tumbling across the roof.   
  
Sonny just pulled the jacket tighter around him, nose still buried deep in the twisted fabric as he murmured, "It smells like you."  
  
Rafael didn't think he'd ever heard anything sweeter.  
  
He wanted to touch Sonny, wanted to brush his lips against the pink of his cheeks, wanted to run his hands up and down his sides, press his fingers into the small of his back.  
  
Kiss him, like he'd wanted to all night, since Sonny had sidled up next to him and offered him that very first glass of eggnog.   
  
Originally, he'd wanted to blame all of what he was feeling for the younger man on being plied with alcohol, on his emotions being heightened because it was Christmastime, and no one was anything less than joyful and loving around the holidays, even if they were grumpy district attorneys.   
  
But in the frigid December air, with his jacket wrapped snugly around Sonny's thin frame, it was becoming harder and harder to accept that convenient truth.  
  
So, Rafael decided to accept the reality and be bold.  
  
Before he could dare once again, though, Sonny was beating him to the punch. "You wanna dance with me, couns - Rafael?"  
  
He didn't let himself question it. Instead, he placed his palm gently in Sonny's offered hand and snaked his other arm around Sonny's narrow waist, bypassing the protection of his jacket and letting it rest against the detective's sweater.   
  
Sonny began swaying slightly, side to side, pulling Rafael along with him.  
  
He could feel every breath Sonny took tickling against his nose.  
  
"Is this why you brought me all the way up here, so that you could dance with me?" Rafael teased, pressing his fingers deeper into Sonny's back.   
  
Sonny shrugged, twirled them around in an off-kilter circle. "Sure, why not? Be honest, you never would've said yes to this downstairs."   
  
Sonny was smirking, blue eyes sparkling in delight, because he knew he was speaking the truth.   
  
Rafael never would've danced like this downstairs, in front of his colleagues, even if most of them were too drunk to make fun of him and would likely be eager to join in instead.   
  
But up here, alone, with Sonny? Rafael would've never dared to say 'no'.  
  
Sonny began humming then, as they continued to sway back and forth in their personal ballroom; it sounded like a cross between "I'll be Home for Christmas" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", and Rafael would bet the entirety of his retirement savings that the blend wasn't on purpose.  
  
"You're the only person I've ever met that can manage to make humming sound so off-tune," he gasped, laughing. Sonny scowled, pouting, which made him look perpetually twelve. "Hey, at least I'm trying here. I don't see you attempting to make any music."  
  
Rafael smirked, and then began to sing. Maybe his opportunity to be bold hadn’t passed.   
  
It was only a few lines of the chorus of "White Christmas", but his eyes never strayed from Sonny's all the same.   
  
When he was done, they had stopped dancing. Sonny's arms were still wrapped tightly around him, but their feet were no longer moving; Rafael wasn't sure how long they'd just been standing there, still, instead.  
  
Sonny's large, large hands were traveling up Rafael's back before he even realized what was happening.  
  
The lips that met his were cold, wind-bitten but still incredibly soft.   
  
The hands on his back were firm, but gentle, long fingers spreading until they were completely covering his shoulder blades.   
  
The nose pressed against his was prominent, but not distracting as they kissed, soft and sweet, nothing but lips and tongue meeting again and again as Rafael opened his mouth to let Sonny in.   
  
Rafael thought that Sonny's tongue in his mouth was quite possibly the single greatest feeling he'd ever experienced.  
  
Not only because it was incredibly hot, but because it was Sonny who was doing it, it was sweet and lovely Sonny who was licking his way into his mouth, pulling back every so often to peck tenderly at his lips.  
  
When they both needed to breathe, Sonny was the one to initiate a pause, eyes warm and affectionate, a sweet, dimply smile overtaking his features.  
  
Rafael thought he looked beautiful, the white moonlight framing him like a halo.  
  
"Would you like to spend Christmas with me, Rafael? And maybe New Years, too?" he asked, all honesty and innocent hope as his fingers dug into Rafael's neck.  
  
"Of course," Rafael answered, leaning up to pull Sonny's mouth back into his own.  
  
Sonny had been pretty good at leading the way so far; Rafael figured it wouldn't do any harm to let him continue. 


	7. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

_prompt #65 - "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."_

 

The resounding 'crack' of Judge Schueller's gavel against the solid, wooden podium may as well have been the first few ominous notes of a funeral death knell for the for way it laid heavy, like a sedentary storm cloud, over the occupants of the courtroom; the final nail in what had seemed like a previously air-tight case's coffin.

The facts had been straight forward enough: another rape on the campus of Hudson University, except this time the perpetrator had been a well-regarded English literature professor instead of the expected, slimy and privileged fraternity brother (and the fact that it was expected from Tau Omega at this point left Sonny feeling as though he'd chewed on saw dust).

Rafael had argued the case well - and Sonny thought, quite proudly - that he'd never seen the man perform a better cross-examination than the one that had taken place on the courtroom floor just two days prior.

But, as it stood, no one wanted to make waves amongst the ranks of New York state's largest landowner, not even a judge who's life and career was supposed to be dedicated to the sole cause of upholding the law.

And what better way to do that than to overturn a jury's 'guilty' conviction?

Sonny felt as though his lunch was about to come up.

Rafael looked as though he was seriously considering third-degree murder.

Sonny could tell just from the way that his shoulders were set, low and tense, as he bolted past the crowded gallery and through the courtroom's double doors, not even sparing a second to glance at Sonny.

That's how Sonny knew he was truly livid.

Normally, even when Rafael lost a case, he would pause just long enough to seek out Sonny, wherever he sat, even if it was just for a momentary brush of fingers or a gentle squeeze of palms as he made his way out and back to the safety of his office.

Sonny was more than happy to oblige, to sit and wait until Rafael had gathered his things, stuffed his notes into his briefcase, because he knew that Rafael needed the comfort after days like that.

This though? This was going to take more than any amount of physical comfort that Sonny had ever given the other man.

He turned around to find Benson's eyes, giving her a brief nod before making his exit; her attention was back on the girl seated beside her, the victim, only a college freshman who had barely hit nineteen, before Sonny had even rushed past the last row of gallery seating.

He'd barely gotten a toe out the door when an onslaught of reporters was on him. Light bulbs flashed, microphones and tape recorders shoved under his nose as questions were lobbed at him from corners of the courthouse that Sonny hadn't even realized existed until then.

In that moment, though, as Sonny was shoving his way through the crowd (in a manner that his mother would surely disapprove of), his only thoughts were of Rafael.

Of finding Rafael, getting to Rafael, comforting Rafael, embracing Rafael; everything else was just noise, a meaningless whirl of faces and statements that his brain couldn't afford to focus on.

Sonny managed to finally dart down one of the courthouse's many corridors, the tail-end of twenty more questions nipping at his heels as he scurried down the blessedly empty hallway.

He knew, without hesitation, where Rafael had gone.

This level was also home to about seven different conference rooms, all which possessed the sole purpose of housing meetings between various ADAs and defense attorneys.

Sonny had found him, on more than one occasion, sitting in one of those conference rooms, each time after a particularly tough case, when he needed to be alone and clear his head of arguments, and verdicts, and juries.

He always waited in the same room, so that Sonny would be able to make his way to him.

It was the third door on the left of the hallway, the one with the slightly jiggly doorknob that was in desperate need of replacing.

He approached the entrance, turning the knob slowly and cracking the door just wide enough to slide his skinny body through.

Rafael was where Sonny always found him, leaning against the edge of the conference table placed directly in the center of the room. His arms were crossed tightly over his chest, as if he were attempting to burrow back into himself, back into the shell of Rafael Barba that was all smug barbs and pin-striped suits. His shoulders were slumped impossibly forward, the weight of a thousand invisible books seeming to bare down on them.

Most telling of all, he didn't even bother to glance up as Sonny entered, green eyes still firmly set on the room's cream carpeting.

Sonny stood warily by the door; the silence stretched on between them, sticky, pulled taut and thin like taffy until Sonny was sure that it was going to snap.

"You don't have to say it, Sonny." Rafael's voice was soft and uncharacteristically small, not a proper fit for the body or man that it was coming out of. Sonny took two steps forward, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his slacks, not allowing himself to touch quite yet.

"Say what, Rafi?" He kept moving forward, inch by agonizing inch until he was nestled in between his boyfriend's parted thighs. He placed two light hands on either of Rafael's hips, fingertips digging in to the soft skin above each.

Rafael sighed. "I let you down. I let everyone down. I let that girl down, I let Benson down. You were the lead detective on this case and I still couldn't get a conviction, not even for you."

Sonny felt like he'd been sucker punched in the gut.

Rafael trudged forward, Sonny's apparent inability to verbalize anything coherent seeming to only spur him further.

"I know that this isn't the Rafael Barba you fell in love with. That man, the one you fell in love with, he could actually get convictions, he could get - ".

"Rafi, stop it."

Sonny's hands were on Rafael's face now, framing it, pulling his chin up from where it was still resting against his chest.

"Hey, look at me," he said, words coming fast and desperate, head darting to search Rafael's eyes out with his own. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you." The words brought Rafael's gaze upwards, green irises meeting Sonny's blue.

"You're wrong. You're so wrong. That isn't the Rafael Barba that I fell in love with. Sure, that's the guy that I admired a ton and that I had a huge friggin' crush on, but in love with? No." Sonny shook his head, thumbs rubbing circles across Rafael's cheek bones.

"The Rafael Barba that I fell in love with made his way out of the Bronx by no one's account but his own. He got into Harvard Law, with a scholarship, not because his family was poor, but because he earned it. He graduated top of his class, made ADA, became known across New York City as one of the finest prosecutors that Manhattan's ever had. He's resilient, he's intelligent, and he always fights to get justice for the victims because he knows what it's like not to have anyone in your corner."

All of what Sonny said was the whole and undeniable truth; every thing that he'd ever admired and loved about the other man, laid out and worn on his sleeve.

Sonny smiled, bright, eyes tearing away from Rafael's just long enough to take in the entirety of the man before him.

"The Rafael Barba that I fell in love with?" He paused for a moment, considering the severity of his next words. "He's standing right in front of me," Sonny finished.

Sonny didn't think he'd ever seen Rafael look so wholly overwhelmed.

He remained frozen, no quick fire comeback at the ready, chest barely seeming to even rise and fall underneath Sonny's own. He eventually reached out, though, hands tugging at Sonny's midsection, a desperate attempt to draw him in even closer.

Pressed closer together than Sonny had ever thought physically possible, Rafael's hands came to rest on his lower back. "I love you," he gasped out.

Sonny laughed, twisted around and pressed a kiss to the sensitive patch of skin behind his earlobe. "I know. And I love you too. I love you always, okay? You could lose every single case from now until you retire, and I wouldn't care. That's not what matters to me. You're what matters to me."

Rafael nodded, slowly, all previous doubt dissolved from his stare. "I believe you," he said, voice still low and slightly shaky.

Sonny felt the bands around his chest loosen with Rafael's words. He squeezed his hips, a smile puckering his cheeks. "Good. Now give me a kiss."

He felt Rafael's chuckle more than he heard it as their lips met.

It was brief, impossibly soft and tender, but Sonny felt this kiss meant more to the both of them than any they'd ever shared before.

He released Rafael's lips, pulling back just enough to allow their foreheads to continue to rest against one another. He grasped Rafael's hands in his own, said, "And you know what we're gonna do now? We're gonna go home, and I'm gonna make us dinner. And we're gonna eat it in bed, on those little trays your mom bought us that you said were tacky and useless. And we're gonna put on a movie, and relax, and just be together. Okay?"

"Okay," Rafael whispered, eyes lighting up in agreement. Sonny turned, hands urging Rafael back in the direction of the door when he heard, pricking at the edges of his ears, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

It was a statement, firmer and louder than anything else that Rafael had previously said within the four walls of the conference room.

Sonny knew that he meant it.

Rafael never said anything less than exactly what he meant.

He whirled back around, tugged Rafael closer to him. "I believe you."

With Rafael's hand pressed firmly to his lips, they headed towards the exit, back to their apartment, Sonny with his home at his side.


	8. "I just wanted a nice, easy day with my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An anon requested this on tumblr, so I got inspired and wrote it.
> 
> Think of it as pre-"Making Room". Or don't. Whatever floats your boat.

“I just wanted a nice, easy day with my boyfriend, Liv. Is that too much to ask?”

Liv is silent on the other end of the line, her hesitation in answering his semi-hypothetical as evident in the silence that hangs between them as the lines that mark the skin above Rafael’s brows as he allows them to meet, pinching the bridge of his nose between index finger and thumb.

It wasn’t a hypothetical, not really.

He knew that, if Liv allowed herself to be honest, the answer would be, “yes”.

The answer would be, “Yes, Rafael, it’s much too hard. It’s quite the inconvenience for me when both you _and_ Carisi have the day off, because apparently, everyone else in my squad either a) fell asleep the day that they went over Miranda Rights at the academy, or b) simply chooses to disregard them.”

Or, in other words, “Yes, it’s too hard because I need someone here who actually cares about upholding the law and-slash-or making valid arrests which will actually hold up in court.”

And since it was an investigation not even yet one-day old, an investigation in which no single piece of evidence was strong enough as of yet in which to pinpoint the squad in any particular direction resembling a suspect, Rafael’s services hadn’t been of need when Benson had called that morning, just as he’d been peeling back his eyelids to reveal the beams of sunlight refracted across the blue of his comforter, all different shapes and sizes of the sun spread out and over he and Sonny’s tangled legs.

Sonny had still been asleep on his chest as he’d groaned, fumbled aimlessly with the arm that wasn’t dead weight underneath a bony shoulder in a cursory attempt at silencing the offending object.

His hand had traveled across sheets, only finding solid once he’d hit the surface of his bedside table, the vibrations against the polished oak only serving to further annoy him as he’d heard the telltale _clink_ of his watch slipping to the floor.

The brightness on Sonny’s phone had still been halfway-lowered from the previous night’s retreat into bed, but Rafael had known that only one person would be up and alive at that hour of the morning in order to effectively ruin the one day that he’d had off since a six-month streak of office-bound weekends.

“ _What_?”

He’d almost yelled before he’d remembered the man still snoring, mouth parted and lips halved over his collarbone, sleeping against him.

“You know that this is Carisi’s phone, Rafael. Give it to him, please,” and Liv’s voice had been so saccharinely sing-song that Rafael had actually turned to wake Sonny, if for no other reason than to make her _go away_.

He’d looked to his right, cheek falling to the opposite side of his pillow, and he’d known from where the sun had acquired its name.

Sonny, with golden streaks of light dancing and twisting their way throughout the loose tendrils of his hair, his features soft and body warm as the sun kissed every lanky inch of his pale skin.

“Do I have to?”

Rafael would’ve loathed the way that he’d sounded like a middle school-aged child facing the unpleasant prospect of deep cleaning one’s bedroom if not for the way in which Sonny had shifted in his sleep, fingertips curling underneath the shelf of Rafael’s ribs.

_Just let him stay here with me. Just this once! I promise I’ll return him in perfect condition on Monday! No scratches or dents, guaranteed!_

“Can’t I have this one day, Liv? I’m sure our custody agreement at least allows me that.”

“Not when TARU just supplied us with some cleaned-up security footage taken outside of the victim’s apartment and your boyfriend’s the lead detective on the case, Rafael.”

Perils of fraternizing with a detective, he’d supposed.

It had been an effective end to the conversation, but that didn’t mean that Rafael had to like, nor accept the situation that he’d been forced into on his _supposed-to-be-spent-with-Sonny_ Sunday off.

Only the picture that Sonny had texted him, two hours after his unexpectedly early departure, had made the sting of their cancelled brunch reservations a little easier for Rafael to tend to.

_> > Sonny: Wish I was with you eating pancakes. Even though my pancakes are what Lafayette’s can only aspire to be._

_> > You’re more of the Alton Brown type, though. They have the market on buttermilk, and you have the market on the nitrous oxide/wheatgrass combination._

_> > Sonny: That was one time._

_> > Sonny: And it was wheatgrass and pineapple. Don’t blame me, blame Bella, she was on a health kick and I was just trying one of her recipes out like the good older brother I am. And you kinda liked it, right???_

_> > I plead the fifth._

His patience now, however, was wearing dangerously close to thin, and Liv’s apparent – Inability? Unwillingness? Desire to prolong his suffering? – to answer his question wasn’t helping in nudging his mood back down to something resembling calm.

“Liv – _whatever it is_ – just tell me. Did someone do something illegal during an interrogation? Coerce an ID? Because I _thought_ that’s why you called Sonny down there this morning, so that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen – “.

“My squad isn’t _entirely_ incompetent, Rafael. Your boyfriend’s quite good, actually. He managed to nail our suspect on the security footage alone. He’ll be home to you within the hour.”

“Oh. That’s – that’s good. Thank you for letting me know, Liv.”

Cool air blasted the tops of his bare feet, the refrigerator door revealing with its swing a cornucopia of leftovers wrapped tight in aluminum foil, each labelled from right to left in chicken scratch penmanship with the container’s exact content, because Sonny loved him far too much for his own good.

Sonny called the delicacies, “What you eat when I’m working late so that you don’t accidentally starve yourself to death thinking that vending machine pretzels are an acceptable form of sustenance.”

Rafael called them, “midnight snacks”.

He would cook for Sonny, then; that’s how he would salvage their Sunday.

“I’ll see you in court on Monday, then, yes? For the arraignment?”

_Pork, rice, beans, why didn’t they have anything stronger than wine in the house?_

“You’re welcome, counselor.”

Rafael swore that he could _taste_ the woman’s smirk as she put down the line and he popped a slice of tomato into his mouth.

* * *

 

“ _Honey_ , I’m home!”

If only Rafael were still at the point where he could pretend as if he wasn’t wooed by such a sentimental platitude.

But, _God_ , did he love this man.

Pink-cheeked, blond hair deliciously wind-ruffled, dimples telling of a grin that broke and trickled across the expanse of his cheeks, the crinkles at his eyes and the upturned lines near his lips the debris of a dam kept carefully guarded throughout the former portion of his day.

One look at Rafael, and the infrastructure had broken apart.

“I think it works far better if _I’m_ the Ricky Ricardo in this scenario, Sonny. You know, the whole Cuban-American thing and all that?”

Sonny shrugged, his toes coming around to tug at the heel of a shoe and vice-versa; his suit jacket sprawled haphazardly across the back of an armchair next, and Rafael’s stomach rolled at the thought of wrinkles, and dry-cleaning, and _pressing those out_.

“Nationalities aside, _I’m_ the one who had to go to work today while you got to stay home and play housewife. Which, by the way, are you making me dinner?”

Sonny had once claimed that the Carisi’s had the nose of a starved bloodhound after its first tangible scent of meat; he’d been drunk when he’d first said it, albeit, but Rafael was starting to see the truth behind the inebriated confession.

“I’m gonna bet my cards on pork, rice, and…beans?”

“ _Bastard_!” Rafael flicked him with some of the dark liquid still leftover on his fingers and drained from the base of a can of beans, the droplets falling short of skin and sprinkling the countertop instead. “How did you know? _How did you know_?”

“My intellect cannot be captured in so few words, Rafi,” he smirked, his leisurely gait picking up tempo only to wrap an arm tight around Rafael’s middle. Sonny kissed him soundly on the mouth, a clever tongue teasing along the outskirts of his lips. “We’d have to completely cancel dinner for that one.”

That earned Sonny a pinch to the abdomen, a knee-jerk laugh quickly turning into a wince that had Rafael doubling back and reassessing the pressure he’d applied, the spot in which he’d aimed, if he’d twisted too quick –

“Jeez, Rafi, relax, I’m fine. I mean… _you_ didn’t do anything, at least.”

“And someone else did?” Rafael demanded, his eyes already following to where Sonny’s nimble fingers rested, gentle circles being traced into blue fabric.

“Well, yeah, sorta…” he muttered, sheepish grin Tupperware plastic compared to the warm one he’d worn upon his earlier arrival home.

Rafael, quite literally, stuck his hands down Sonny’s pants, no sexual pretense necessary as he removed the button-up’s fabric from the confines of Sonny’s slate gray slacks, fingers flying along a path of buttons next.

“ _Jesus_ , Sonny.”

Sonny’s skinny waist, the thing that Rafael loved to put his lips on more than any other part of Sonny’s body was on full-feature display, and yet all that his gaze could pull into focus was the bruise blooming to life across the length of Sonny’s ribs.

“What the hell happened?” He was afraid to even _look_ , the fusion of deep purple and blue already having seemed to darken under the glow of low kitchen lighting.

“I dunno, we were chasing down the perp – “.

“Sonny, I swear to God if you shrug again like this is no big deal – “.

“And he got a good swing in on me, that’s all.”

Who had known that words could cause one’s blood pressure to rise?

“That’s all? _That’s all_?” Rafael stepped closer to him, his hands falling warmly on Sonny’s torso, fingertips careful and clear to avoid the mark trailing along his right side. “Did you even think to go to the ER? To at least have someone else look at it? Liv, Rollins? He could’ve broken one of your ribs, love.”

Even through the glimmer that he caught in Sonny’s eyes at the word, his boyfriend still possessed the self-preservation to at least _pretend_ to feel guilty for being the object of Rafael’s affectionately agitated state.

“Yeah, but he didn’t. If he had, I would know, trust me. Clumsiest player on the high school baseball team, remember?”

Rafael scoffed, but didn’t give pause to breathing a kiss into the soft underside of Sonny’s jaw: “You wear that title as if it were Rookie of the Year.”

He heard Sonny laugh quietly above him, laugh quietly against him, belly and chest open and full with the happy vibrations.

“You really do have to stop getting hurt, though. I won’t survive a lifetime of Sonny Carisi injury-related heart attacks.”

How he felt Sonny’s heartbeat quicken in his own chest, he didn’t know.

Maybe it was because Sonny’s heartbeat might as well have been his own.

The smile that he felt kissed into the shaved edge of his hairline was known on past experience alone.

“I dunno if I can promise you anything when it comes to the whole ‘not getting hurt’ part. But the ‘lifetime’ thing? I can make good on that.”

Perils of falling in love with a detective, he supposed.


	9. Gentle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tread carefully below if kidfic isn't your thing, as this particular ficlet takes place in my "To Build a Home" 'verse!

“You ready to go outside and watch the fireworks, bunny?”

Sonny couldn’t help the grin that spread wide and ecstatic across his face as Elisa’s head shot up, her tinsel-peppered curls -- from their leftover hoard of Christmas wrapping, picked out specially so that she’d “look like a firework, daddy!” -- bouncing as she hopped over, into his arms and away from where she’d been playing house in the living room corner with Becca.

“Are papi and Ollie gonna come watch with us?!” she exclaimed, and Sonny chuckled as he got a nose-full of shimmering silver and gold plastic. 

His fingers tangled in the mess that was her hair, unbrushed and wild from when she’d let Jessie attempt a French braid on it earlier that evening. She was pink-cheeked and bright-eyed from sweets and the caffeine that he and Rafael allowed her to drink on special occasions, and she held the whole of Sonny’s heart with her excitement at just the thought of the multitude of colors that would light up the night sky outside of their brownstone.

“‘Course they are, baby,” he answered, smiling as his gaze found Rafael’s from across the living room and to where he sat, Oliver held to his chest at their kitchen table, his eyes everything that Sonny had ever wanted to live in.

Like a ship guided by light, yellow and sparkling, refracting across storm-ridden waves, he and Rafael would always find their way back to each other in chaos of their life together.

Even if said chaos was the noise and never-ceasing activity of a Barba-Carisi hosted New Year’s Eve get-together.

It’d become tradition, in the beginning, during the first two years of he and Rafael’s marriage, when they’d remained the only childless couple out of the members of their squad; Mike and Alice not counting, apparently, because as acting sargeant the man was able to veto his own apartment.

But then they’d adopted Elisa, and the parties had continued, because Sonny liked playing host, cooking, and entertaining, and researching dumb party games   that would keep their friends laughing on Pinterest. And, as loathe as Rafael was to admit it, he liked doing all of those things, too.

And that was how their home, from apartment to brownstone, to Elisa filling their lives and to Oliver joining in on the task, had become the place in which their squad would gather on Christmas and New Year’s Eves alike, to toast and to celebrate and to come together as a family during the bleakest parts of the winter season.

Sonny, hand to God, would never have it any other way.

“We just gotta get your coat and mittens on before we go outside, okay? I think daddy got ‘em out of your closet already and put ‘em on the coffee table. You wanna be a big girl and go grab ‘em for me?”

Elisa nodded, eager, and scrambled down from the safety of Sonny’s arms until her stocking feet hit the tile, dashing between a put-upon Noah and Liv as the latter tried to force a jacket onto her son.

When he turned back to the kitchen, Rafael stood, a heavy coat on their youngest who seemed content to lay his head against his father’s chest for the duration of the night, even against the obstacle of the clunky headphones they’d purchased in the hopes of softening each blast of the fireworks.

“Hey, buddy,” Sonny cooed, a mess at the sight of Rafael leaning forward to press soft lips against the stroke of blond hair laid across their son’s forehead. 

His chest tightened minutely at the sight, at the way Rafael’s eyes closed like he wanted to live in that moment -- the one in which he held their baby close and breathed in the scent of his washed hair, and blocked out the moments around them, inconsequential to what he and Oliver were sharing.

It wasn’t much, but Sonny felt it all the same, the way in which his heart started beating just a little bit harder -- against his ribs, pushing through to the front of his chest, a rhythm he’d memorized for Rafael and their love only.

“Hey, Carisi, you gonna spend the rest of the night starin’ at Barba, or can we get a move on? Little Miss Barba-Carisi’s gettin’ impatient over here,” Amanda said, Sonny turning to glare playfully at the sight of her cheeks, rosy from drink, as she gestured towards Elisa and Jessie, hands clasped and swinging in a display of barely-contained excitement as they stood across from the front door and their escape into the magic that would light up the sky outside.

“Yeah, yeah, you try and resist him when he’s holding a baby!” Sonny shot back, but softened immediately when he felt Rafael’s lips at his temple. It was a chuckling kiss that had Sonny feeling warm all over, and it was with that warmth in his chest that he grabbed Elisa’s hand and headed into the brisk December air, sights aimed at the bottom step of the stoop attached to their home.

It was the first year their family would view the City’s annual fireworks display from the brownstone, and Sonny hoped the view would be as magical as it had been from their apartment, up high and so close to the cornucopia of colors that would rain down across the City.

It was mostly for Elisa’s sake that he worried, even as she sat herself in his lap and grabbed hold of his fingers, covered in warm mittens just like her own; Sonny wanted to see the stars in her eyes, hear the exclamations of, “Daddy, look!” as she got too excited for her own little body to handle; the explanations that would surely come, close and in his ear, of exactly which shades of each color were lighting up the sections of the sky that had somehow been left unmarked by city lights.

But as Rafael sat down beside them, Oliver more alert now with the wind whipping against his baby nose, Sonny realized he’d never have to worry about bringing Elisa joy when she always seemed to discover it so easily herself.

“I’m so excited you’re watchin’ the fireworks with us, Ollie Bear!” she cooed, leaning away from Sonny’s chest to place a kiss on her brother’s nose. She pulled back suddenly, then, brows furrowing worriedly, and Sonny had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to keep from sighing at how much she resembled Rafael in his home office when she looked like that. 

“Daddy, his nose is cold. Is that okay, or is he gonna get sick?”

How the sweet things Elisa said always managed to hit him in the chest, even after six years of having her in he and Rafael’s arms, Sonny would never be able to fathom. But it did, and he felt it settle somewhere between his ribs, in the space between bone and the muscle of his heart, where he kept all things that he loved safe and close.

Rafael’s arm, moving to drape heavy and strong around his waist, found it’s way there next.

“He’s okay, conejita, everyone’s nose feels like that when it’s this cold outside. See?” Rafael smiled, and dipped to nuzzle his nose firmly against Elisa’s. 

If Sonny didn’t pass out before the night was over, he’d definitely be in Rafael’s lap for that one later.

Seemingly satisfied with her father’s sweet explanation, though, Elisa settled easily back into what was the tangle of Sonny’s legs when bent and bunched up against the flurry-covered sidewalk below them, and slipped her little fingers back into the palm of his hand.

The movement was done without a moment to spare: seconds passed between Elisa’s curls coming to flutter once more against the cold skin of Sonny’s cheeks and the swell of music that began to boom blocks over, its sound vast and reaching into the furthest parts of the cityscape. Horns sounded, and drums rolled, and Elisa began to wiggle impatiently, side-to-side and with her head tilting upwards, knocking against Rafael’s shoulder beside them with every flicker of her head as she searched yet another facet of the night sky for the bright beginnings of the annual fireworks.

Just as Sonny thought she’d take Oliver out if he didn’t hold her still, a shimmering light, silver in shade and with its tail of smoke curling behind it, began its ascent; charging, until it’d found its place amongst the stars, exploding    into a cacophony of silvers, and golds, and blinding whites, bursting and dripping back down onto the earth below only once it’d reached its peak.

Only Elisa, shrieking, and squealing and vibrating as excitement curled its way through her little body could Sonny hear over the firework’s _boom_.

“Daddy!! Did you see it?! Papi, did Ollie see it, too?!”

“Unfortunately,” Rafael sighed, and Sonny turned, confusion marking his forehead until the sight of balled-up fists and a furrowed brow had the span of his chest clenching, Oliver rubbing at his wind-whipped cheeks and eyes before a wail ripped through his lungs.

“Awe, _shit_. He doesn’t like the fireworks, does he? You think they’re too loud?” Sonny muttered, attempting to soothe his son with gentle circles on his jacket-covered back to no avail -- even Rafael, the man whose whispered words of Spanish song and stories alike had always brought their children back from the hold of naptime monsters was useless against the unrelenting boom of the fireworks around them.

Even Elisa, who normally wouldn’t pick up on the harsh cries emitting from her little brother among the flurry of activity that was the fireworks and the people gathered on their front stoop, paused in naming the maroon shade she saw in the sky to look worriedly on as Oliver hid his head in the cocoon of Rafael’s arms and thick sweater.

“Papi? Why’s Ollie scared? Does he not like the pretty colors?” she asked, voice small and earth-shattering for he and Rafael both, their eyes finding each other wide and sad; their little girl had asked for one thing for Christmas, and it had been to watch the New Year’s Eve fireworks with her baby brother.

“So I can teach him the colors!” she’d explained, over homemade hot chocolate and half-decorated Christmas cookies, stood on a stool on tip-toe while Sonny made frosting beside her and Rafael swiped his fingers through the bowl, quick and teasing under Sonny’s playful glare. 

Sonny had expected that to be the end of their daughter’s reasoning -- sweet, and innocent, everything that Elisa was -- until she’d leaned over, behind the kitchen bartop, and poked Rafael in the belly. 

“Like you taught me, papi!” she exclaimed, cheeky grin and whipped cream on her nose intact, and Sonny had done everything he could to imprint the moment to the forefront of his memory, stirring against porcelain and through heavy flour coming to a halt as he sighed, the love that he felt for the man and the little girl before him expanding to impossibly new heights as Rafael brought Elisa to his chest, and tickled her to a giggling, shrieking completion.

Now, Rafael took the lead once more, whispered breaths against the fine baby hairs on Oliver’s temple, the headphones he’d adorned pushed back so that Rafael’s voice could reach him fully. He shushed their youngest first before settling into an off-rhythm hum, lips still pressed flush to his head; the only thought that Sonny could uncover, pushing against the forefront of his conscious and past every thought he’d ever held for the man beside him was,  _“I can’t believe that this is my man.”_

Because he knew, knew what Rafael was trying to do by keeping Oliver flush and close to his heart -- the rhythm in his chest, the rhythm of his voice had always been Sonny’s way out from the monsters.

It was why he always slept with his head on Rafael’s chest.

Rafael knew that his voice and his steady heart had always been what Sonny needed, and maybe that was what their son could find safety in, too.

Sonny wanted to kiss him, to open his mouth to him and let him feel what was overflowing -- what _always_ overflowed -- in his chest and in his heart and in his mind every single time Rafael was his and their babies’ anchor back down to the earth.

Elisa, though, had other ideas.

“Daddy, you need to arrest the fireworks.”

Sonny gaped, the wide set of his mouth quickly turning upwards when Elisa met his stare with hands placed pointedly on little hips. He knew it did it far too much when volleying trial prep and closing arguments back and forth with Rafael across the kitchen, and that he’d regret she’d picked up that habit the day she turned thirteen. 

But in that moment, it was just another little piece of he and Rafael’s daughter that Sonny wanted to adore.

“I can’t arrest fireworks, baby. I mean, technically I could arrest the people who are settin’ them off, but--”

“Maybe not the time to explain the technicalities of firework laws to our six-year-old, love,” Rafael murmured, his lips back against Oliver’s forehead when another whimper sounded from the direction of his chest.

“You gotta arrest them, though, daddy! They’re scarin’ Ollie and that’s bad! And bad people go to jail, that’s what you say!”

“I know, baby, I know,” he soothed, so as not to soon have two crying children on their hands. “How about you yell at ‘em instead? Yell at them real loud and tell ‘em how mean they’re being for scaring your little brother?”

A dark eyebrow quirked upwards, and Sonny held back the laughter that threatened to burst forward, rushing like water from a dam, at the sight of the expression he’d seen reflected so many times while her father stood, strong and straight-backed, and stared down rapists.

The pieces of Rafael’s expressions fit themselves so neatly onto Elisa’s face when her appearance already mirrored so much of his, and Sonny would never stop feeling breathless for it.

He only had a few moments more to admire the similarities between the man and the little girl who held so much of his heart before Elisa squished her cold cheek against his and turned once more to confront the night sky.

“Hey, fireworks, you need to quit bein’ so loud! You can be quieter for my little brother and I’ll use my superpowers to make you louder if I need to!”

It was without hesitation that Sonny squeezed her closer at that, long kisses pressed into her hair for everything that she was -- their sweet, loving girl, who had forgotten her favorite facet of the water season in favor of her little brother’s tears, and the bravest little superhero that he and Rafael could’ve had the privilege of raising.

And Elisa’s sentiment seemed to be echoed in the brownstone over; their neighbor, Miss Fine, seemed very keen on assisting her in defending Oliver’s honor.

“Yeah, that’s right, she’ll use her superpowers, bud! You better back off!” the older woman yelled, voice slurring but confident enough from the liquid courage that Sonny spotted in her spindly fingers that it carried over the sidewalk and found Elisa.

The grin that settled across her sweet face at the older woman’s acknowledgement of her “superpowers” was reason enough for Sonny to shoot their neighbor a nod and begin planning a casserole bake in her honor.

It was perfect, then, when just as Elisa’s last little breath left her body, a shout of, “Seriously, fireworks, you need to be more quiet, please!” that was imitated by a wine-drunk Miss Fine, the last firework made its shimmering descent, crests of purple and bright green that torpedoed towards thousands of feet of sprawling asphalt.

“Princesa.”

Rafael’s voice was low, in the way that Sonny only knew it to be when pressed against his slick skin in bed, and when spoken into their children’s ears -- small, contained, and reverent only for them.

Sonny came up short for breath, then, as he and Elisa turned in tandem to face him.

His husband, the man who drank bombastic bravado for breakfast, was curled so gently around their son; his arms and chest, taking Oliver’s weight as he became leaden with sleep. 

Regulating breaths was primary in that moment, the air in his belly and lungs seeping out slowly as Sonny watched him grip their daughter’s hand, adoring smile playing at the edges of his lips.

“Look. You did it, princesa. Ollie’s not afraid anymore. You made the fireworks go away.”

With every flutter of Oliver’s eyelashes against Rafael’s rising chest, Sonny knew that it was his husband’s soft voice that had brought him there; it was the only sound that Sonny had ever wanted to live in once he’d discovered it, living deep beneath tanned skin and ribs born again strong through childhood neglect.

It was Rafael’s real voice, the one that was allowed to find quivers and cracks in sentences, in words, in practiced closing arguments at home when emotion would spill heavy from his throat.

It was Sonny’s voice, and Elisa’s voice, and Oliver’s voice, too, the one that said  _I love you_  every time it brought shape to words.

Now, though, with his tone soft, he let Elisa believe it was her shrieks into the night sky.

It was her own _I love you_ , Rafael knew, to the little brother that she’d loved fiercely since their eyes, green to blue, had first met.

And as Sonny leaned over to kiss him, to draw every inch of him that he could into his own breath, he wondered how many _I love you’s_  he’d missed before Rafael had drawn him close ten years ago and made the sentiment so clear.

* * *

 

“Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!”

Strong arms and large hands encircled Sonny’s waist, settled gently across his lower back, and Rafael’s lips found his as they met in a dipping kiss.

Really, he should’ve expected it by now -- his husband had been doing the movement for ten years, but almost every New Year’s Eve, a rush of laughter still escaped Sonny at Rafael holding him strong and safe while they kissed to usher in the next year of their life just how they always wanted to end it: together.

Sonny’s fingers found his cheeks, the laughter lines that crinkled shades of green as he grinned against Sonny’s mouth. All he wanted was to feel his man, the solid presence of Rafael around him; to hold the tangibility of  _him_  in his hands and be reminded of the fact that they got to do this, all over again, every year, as long as they loved each other.

It was with the knowledge that they always would that Sonny parted the seams of his lips, wedding band digging into warm skin, and let Rafael in.

Like the years that had passed before them, he and Rafael were the last to part and the only couple to stay intertwined once the time had ticked to 12:01, murmurs and inquiries into more booze drifting across the living room and past their closeness.

“Anything you want in the new year?” Rafael whispered, long fingers drifting underneath the cotton hem of Sonny’s flannel.

He pretended to consider it for a moment, let his eyes drift over to Elisa’s sleeping form, curled so preciously against Becca’s own on their couch; to the stairs, where ten steps would take them to their little boy, tucked into the safe warmth of his crib. 

Then, back to Rafael, his husband, standing in front of him with all of the soft, green-eyed warmth he’d always been so lucky to call his.

He brought an index finger between them, narrowed eyes and furrowed brows matching Rafael’s own look of intrigue.

“Maybe one more baby...?” He trailed off, a full-bellied laugh erupting from deep within his core at the look of absolute horror that come over his husband’s face at the words.

“I’m kidding, honey, I’m kidding,” he soothed, pressing lips to the unamused wrinkles between Rafael’s brows, to the jaw trying in vain not to lift up into laughter.

“You can’t do that to me,” Rafael murmured, drawing Sonny closer with forearm and palm, attempts to stifle his scotch-drunk grin formed at the hands of baby jokes fruitless.

“I’m an old man, love. You’ll send me to an early grave.”

Sonny pressed back into his warmth, into the thick arms that braced and held him, into the space between them until his forehead fell to find Rafael’s own.

They were a cage of themselves, of limbs, and breaths, and bodies that no chaos could ever touch.

Their babies were asleep, and loved, and safe.

It was all Sonny had ever wanted.

“An old man and  _my man_ ,” he whispered, and kissed Rafael once more while the new year rang in around them.


	10. Flushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not new to this collection, but while looking through my stories today, I realized that it somehow was accidentally removed? So I apologize for this not being a new update to those of you who have been following this collection for some time now, but I wanted to add it back since it is a little drabble that I quite enjoyed writing. x

Flushed and pink.

Sonny’s cheeks looked best that way, Rafael thought.

Deep and rosy near the upper regions of his cheekbones, covering a span of soft skin that almost met the upturned corners of his lips.

Rafael had always been a man who enjoyed dabbling in the various meanings of colors, what each individual shade of blue or green could share in just the lightening or darkening of its tone.

In court, he favored more somber shades; at home, he let himself indulge in creams and baby blues, lighter colors to further accentuate his lighter mood.

Sonny had that effect on him, he supposed.

Rafael loved colors of all different hues, and tints, and tones.

He loved the color of Sonny’s cheeks the most, though.

Flushed and pink.

Gorgeous.

“What are you staring at, Rafi?”

Sonny smiled.

Cheeks full and dimpled.

Flushed and pink.

Rafael had never been so in love.

“Is it this big friggin’ hickey you just gave me?” he asked, scratching at the offending bruise with a bony index finger, already coloring over in shades of brilliant purples and blues. “’Cause you know I’m gonna be getting shit for that all morning tomorrow, right?”

“It’s not my fault you can’t learn to cover them up properly, Sonny,” he answered, scoffing.

“Listen, I tried to get Bella to explain concealer to me, but. I don’t get the whole make-up thing.”

Sonny smirked then, cheeks full once more.

Flushed and pink.

“So it was the hickey, then?”

“No,” Rafael said, simply.

“My nipples? I know how much you love my nipples, Rafi, don’t even try to deny it.”

“Wrong.”

“My lips? All I know is that it’s gotta be something below eye level, ‘cause you haven’t looked me in the eye once we finished,” Sonny stated, grinning cheekily.

Cheeks full and dimpled.

Flushed and pink.

Rafael was lost.

He felt magnetized to Sonny’s cheeks, to their glow; to the happiness, to the love that that dusting of pink and red seemed to weave into the very fabric of Sonny’s skin.

He leaned forward, brushed his nose against Sonny’s cheek, nuzzled further into the warmth of red and pink.

He let his lips meet Sonny’s skin, next.

He kissed at Sonny’s cheek, pecked at it – once, twice, three, four times, lips soft as he pressed those kisses into Sonny’s skin, below the surface, right next to the red and pink.

When he pulled back, Sonny’s cheeks were burning.

Flushed and red.

“My cheeks?”

Rafael nodded, placed his fingertips along the sharp curve of a cheekbone, let them fall in line, one by one.

“Why?”

His fingers were dancing along Sonny’s cheeks, a waltz mirrored on either side of his nose and lips.

Cheeks, so flushed and pink.

“Because you look so happy when your cheeks are pink,” he whispered, Sonny’s own spindly fingers coming to wrap themselves around his wrists as he continued his soft motion across Sonny’s skin.

“Because your cheeks are normally pink after we’ve made love.”

“Because sometimes, they still turn pink when you catch me staring, even though we’ve been together over a year.”

“Because your shade of pink is for me.”

 _Because pink and red reminds me of love, and happiness, and that’s what you are to me_ , is what he didn’t say.

 _Because red reminds me of warmth, and that’s what I feel every time I wake up with your body pressed against my chest_ , is what he didn’t say.

 _Because now I can’t wear my favorite pink suspenders without thinking of you, and your cheeks, and what being in love feels like_ , is what he didn’t say.

Sonny seemed to know, though.

Sonny surged forward, captured his lips in between his own, cheeks so warm underneath Rafael’s palms.

Flushed and pink.

Sonny’s cheeks, Sonny’s lips, feel like love.

“I love you, Rafi.”

Rafael teared their lips apart, pressed a long kiss to the ridge of Sonny’s cheekbone, to the skin peeking out between his index finger and thumb, still holding tight to Sonny’s face.

“I love you, too, Sonny.”

Rafael felt dimples underneath his hands.

Cheeks full.

Flushed and pink.


End file.
